From: Beth M (theeternis)

Here is my lovely little anti-twilight short story.

Hope it's funny. If it's not, at least it was fun to write!

 

*In a forest, early in the morning*

Sigma: (breathing heavily) Bez, this is ridiculous. Where the heck are we going-and how long till we get there?

Bez: Quit whining. I told you this would be a nice long hike, and you agreed to come. You could have stayed back at the ship.

Sigma: (incredulously) What? Everyone else left! Your ship is creepy. *the pair climb up a particularly steep and rocky slope*

Bez: It is not. (Points up ahead) We'll meet up with Thande and Matrix at the clearing beyond this rise.

Sigma: (Sighs in relief)

Bez: Oh come on. We've only been going for, what-

Sigma: Six hours! Six freaking hours!

*They argue as they enter a clearing in which Matrix and Thande stand. There are three other adults and one child in the clearing as well.*

Bez: Matrix, will you please tell Sigma that six hours is not a long hike? (notices the strangers) Who are they?

Matrix: (mischievous smile) The little one is a mutant.

Child: I am not a mutant! (turns to adult female) Mommy, tell the metal man I am not a mutant! (pouts) I broke my tooth on him!

Thande: That is usually what happens when you try to eat a robot.

Bez: (disbelieving expression) Thande, did you just make a joke?

Adult female: Excuse me! Your forgetting the important people.

Bez, Sigma, Matrix and Thande: (turn to face female)

Female: (flustered) Well, don't you know who we are?

Bez: Should we?

Female: (loud, rather undignified and childish noise) Oh, Edward they don't know who we are.

Bez: Ohhh...Now I get it. (disappointed expression) Shouldn't you be dead?

Edward: Oh no, no, no. We are immortal, but i wouldn't expect someone like you to know that.

Bez: What? (moves to pull out gun.)

Mutant child: (leaps forward) Wee! Fresh blood! (sinks fang into Bez's arm)

Jacob: No, no! Bad Nessie! drop her!

Bez: Get this freaking monster off me before I blow her brains out! (begins to hit her on the head with gun)

Thande: (takes hold of "Nessie" and begins to pull)

Bez: Ouch! Hey, watch it! (aims gun at renesmee [or however you spell her name!])

Jacob: (realizes Bez will really shoot his precious vampire buddy. Grabs hold of her.) Nessie drop it! That's not nice!

(Thande: (manages to dislodge child and gently tosses her to her parents.

Parents: (are staring into each others eyes and so do not catch their offspring)

Bez: Ewww! (scrubbing at wound) If I become a vampire, I'm going to kill someone.

*simultaneously*

Edward and Bella: Oh your so beautiful/handsome, my most perfect wondrous wonderful vampire person. (begin to kiss)

Matrix: Am I the only one who thinks this is so wrong?

Jacob: (scuttles over to renesmee) Oh are you okay?

Mutant: (crying) The mean lizard thing threw me! I'm gonna bite him! (charges at Thande)

Jacob: (restrains her) No! That guy wouldn't taste good.

*Separately*

Bez: Thats it. I have a bone to pick with you guys. (edward and bella continue to kiss)

Ahem. Excuse me. Hey! (Throws pine cone at them. It hits edward in the forehead.) Oh whatever. (turns to Jacob and renesmee.) You'll do.

Jacob: (still restraining child.) Huh?

Renesmee: I'm gonna bite him! (gnashes teeth)

Bez: (Sighs) First of all, you need to clarify some things. (gestures at edward and bella) why? I mean of all the possible things the universe could have spun out, why this?

Jacob: To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. If you were to ask for my opinion-

Bez: Which I'm not.

Jacob: -then I would say it's destiny.

Bez: You're an idiot. (looks back over at edward and bella) (disgusted expression) Matrix, separate them.

Matrix: (relieved expression) With pleasure. (Walks over to them. sweeps his arm out and gives them a good whack. edward flies into a tree several meeters away, fully imbedding himself into the bark. Bella flies into a nearby pond)

Sigma: You didn't need to do it so harshly.

Matrix: What, are you on their side now?

Sigma: No! I just...oh nevermind.

Bez: There. Now, where were we? Oh right, your little destiny spiel. It's crap. And you know what's even more crappy? (gestures at bella and edward, now in equally bad positions)  Them. One, vampires do not marry humans. THEY EAT THEM. And they like it. And for that matter, so do you. Don't give me any crap about vegetarian this or vegetarian that. Blood is blood no matter how you slice it.

Edward: (has dislodged himself from the tree) How dare you attack my perfectness! How dare you! (pouts with hands on hips)

Thande: You are not perfect.

Edward: What?! And just who are you, Mr. Scalyface?

Thande: You are not perfect.

Edward: Stop saying that! Stop it! (stomps) If you don't appologize right now, I'll be very cross!

renesmee: (has succeeded in escaping from jacob. she charges at Thande once more.) Aaaaiiiiiieeeee! Alien blood! (Attempts to stick fang into Thande's calf)

Thande: (kicks out sharply. child flies across clearing and into Bella, who has finally succeeded in climbing from the pond. They both fly backward into the pond.)

Thande: (disgusted expression) Filthy thing.

Edward: Ooooh, now you've done it! Now I'm going to get you! (starts forward)

Bez: Now, now, lets not damage the fragile vampire. (Steps between Thande and edward)

Edward: Get out of my way! (swats Bez out of his way.)

Thande: (glaring) Idiot. (Grabs edward by the throat and throws him into the forest)

Sigma and Matrix: Yes!

Thande: (walks over to Bez and helps her up.)

Bez: (yelling in edwards general direction) Stupid freak! (turns to jacob) What, you were just going to watch that? I get chucked into a pile of roots by an egotistical vampire and you just sit there? (starts towards him angrily) I ought to-(grimaces and clutches at side. leans against Thande as she catches her breath)

Sigma: (concerned) Bez, are you all right?

Bez: (sarcastically) Ya, Sigma, I'm fine. I think I just broke a few ribs, that's all. I also think some of those ribs are poking into things that they shouldnt, but I'm just fine.

Sigma: It was just a question, you don't need to get all rude about it.

Matrix: (scanning Bez) She's right. (shakes head) I'd fix her up right here, but i don't have the medical supplies. (glares at jacob) I expect you to take full responsibility for this.

Jacob: (Dumbly) Wha-at? What did I do?

Thande: Nothing. And that is why you must pay. (Notices that Bez has begun to bleed profusely) We need to get her back to the ship.

Matrix: (nods) agreed. Do your best to stop the bleeding.

Bez: (attempts to remain standing. collapses and passes out after a few minutes)

Thande: (catches her as she falls)

Sigma and Matrix: (pull out guns)

Jacob: But...It's not my fault!

Sigma: (angrily) Right. You just didn't do anything about it! ( she marches up to him) You're just as responsible. Jerk! (punches him in the nose) That one's for Bez! (punches him in the stomach) That one's for me! (Begins to walk away. Turns back around and kicks him sharply in the shin) And that ones for being a creep! (Marches back over to Matrix. The group of four leave the clearing, moving at a rapid pace.)

Jacob: (alternates clutching at shin, nose, or stomach.)

Edward: (stumbles back into clearing)

Bella and Renesmee: (emerge from pond, very wet and slimy)

*simultaneously*

Edward and Bella: Oh my perfect darling those people were so horrid werent they? oh yes, but they went away, now we can be together! *start kissing*

Renesmee: But I wanna bite that guy! I'm gonna get him! (starts gnashing teeth)

Jacob: (Throws up into a nearby bush)

 

THE END

(In case your wondering, Bez does get surgery in time. From then on, the group had a healthy dislike for vampires, werewolves, and anything related to them.)